For my first post of 2007, I thought of something both unique and instructive. As everyone knows, people who want to learn to cook have many potential instructors. Emeril, Rachael Ray and Martha Stewart are just the tip of the iceberg. But how about people who want to learn to eat? To whom are they to turn? Oh, sure, you've got your restaurant critics who'll tell you what to eat, but I'm talking about the basics here, people. How do you get that food from your plate (or your high chair tray) to your digestive tract where it can do some good--and how do you do it with style? This post is my answer to these questions.
Let's just say we're having breakfast. On the menu? Canteloupe pieces and French toast morsels. (You can have your mommy prepare these in advance.) Mmmmmm. Now before you eat anything, make sure you're seated comfortably and strapped safely into your chair. Got your bib on? Okay, then. You're ready to enjoy your meal. Let's begin.
1. Using your thumb and index fingers, pick up a piece of canteloupe in each hand. Insert the piece in your right hand into your mouth and gum (or chew) it a few times. Add the left-hand piece of canteloupe to your mouth.
2. Without swallowing, repeat step 1 until your mouth is packed beyond your capacity to chew. Then attempt to swallow the entire mouthful at one time.
3. Make choking sounds, cough and sputter. Use your tongue or your fingers to eject several pieces of partially chewed canteloupe from your mouth. If possible, swallow the rest.
4. Proceed inserting, chewing and swallowing canteloupe pieces at a more leisurely pace.
5. Surreptitiously place a chunk of canteloupe squarely on top of your head. When your mommy notices and looks at you like, "How did that get there?", look back at her complacently, as if wearing your food is a perfectly normal thing to do.
8. After you have consumed several bites of toast, select a new piece and hold it in between your thumb and forefinger. Insert it partway into your mouth, making sure to dampen with saliva, then withdraw it from your mouth. Repeat this until the French toast morsel is limp and drippy. Lay it carefully on your high chair tray in case you want to return to it later.
9. Clutching a fresh piece of toast in your fist, squeeze tightly until food becomes a mushy pulp. Lower your head into your hands as if you just received some very bad news; then rub the toast-pulp into your eyes. Be sure to get your eyebrows very sticky.
11. Finish off your meal with some water from your sippy-cup. (I recommend the Playtex model with handles on both sides.) Lift the spout to your mouth and begin sucking desperately. Drink until you can't stand anymore, then lower the cup to your tray; gasp, pant, and dribble excess liquid onto your bib. Repeat this until your mommy takes the cup away. Regurgitate a portion of the water along with a little bit of your meal.
12. Await clean-up. When your mommy commences wiping you down with a wet paper-towel, make it fairly difficult for her to reach the body part she is attempting to clean. Emit quiet grunts of protest regularly. Whine and moan when your eyebrows are scrubbed.
This concludes our eating lesson. Of course, the twelve steps above aren't meant to be restrictive. Instead, I hope that they will inspire you with eating ideas of your own and lead to wonderful meal-time adventures. (Just try any one of these at your next dinner party, and see if they don't.) Thanks for reading along, and happy dining!
(DISCLAIMER FROM THE MOMMY: Although these events have been humorized, they are all based on fact and should not be assumed to be exaggeration or invention. The photographs included in this post were not staged.)
No comments:
Post a Comment